Sorry I’ve been MIA

WOW…. it feels like its been forever since I have posted anything on my blog. I have really been slacking and I am truly sorry to all my followers. The last couple months have been a blur with so many changes happening. In short I basically uprooted my whole life, and moved down to the city. While thinking that was the best decision for myself, I rehomed all my beloved animals and left my boyfriend of six years.

Rehoming all my animals was probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my entire life. They where my everything! All three horses went to different homes. Scooby went to a riding school where he will have a long and happy life doing trail rides. He will teach children and adults of all ages on how to become amazing riders. Daenerys went to a family where she will eventually be trained to be a gaming horse. Where Joleen, my heart horse went to a lady on a contract where if the lady who got her could no longer care for her I’d be the first to be able to bring her home. With that being said I was asked if I could take her back, and I am more than thrilled to be able to have Joleen back with me where she belongs. Its almost as it was fates plan all along. How does that quote go “If its meant to be set it free and if it comes back than it was meant to be yours” well however, it is said I am truly blessed to be bringing her home in the next few weeks to come.

As for chali, She was rehomed to a really good friend of mine. Chali has been living the life of a princess and is being treated amazingly. I get updates all the time on her. Chali has a big brother who is a golden retriever called Remie, a cat sister who is also called Callie as well. Funny eh almost like it was meant. Although, due to the names being to conflicting Chali had her name changed to Cassie, which is so close to her original name that there wasn’t conflict in her learning a new name.

As for my hedgehog I know I didn’t have her for long, but I did love her dearly and her temperament was truly amazing. Daria was a one of a kind, full of love, this little prickly rodent. Which, I wish I would have been able to bring her with me as she seemed to grasp on to how peoples emotions worked. Daria, would have made a great emotional support animal.

I have made so many sacrafices these past few months, that this is just the start of many more blogs to come. some will question my choices, some will shake there heads, and others may be extremely disappointed! It all begins today with new material hitting “You Are Strong For Surviving” stay tuned for more.

~Enjoy Life~

Today, I felt pretty. I did up my hair and painted my face, with a few shades of colour. Looking in the mirror, I seen a reflection. A smile so wide and a twinkle in my eye. I thought to myself…..pondering a while, this is you! That girl who has been missing for so long has finally come back. The Journey is just beginning and I’m taking every step in stride. Confidence is growing, happiness is thriving and loving myself is a gift!

Never give up, keep pushing forward and always believe in yourself. This is your story, don’t let anyone else write it for you!

Most of all Enjoy every bit of Life, and make lasting memories that you’ll remember forever….

~When the Phoenix Rises~

I have no feeling 😞 it’s numb…. I try to move, however, I lie here paralyzed! Help! Can you hear my plea? My mind is a dangerous place, please don’t worry. This place I’m trapped in has punished me, it’s broke my spirit and stole my soul. Help! I can’t breathe, it feels like I am suffocating.

They’re is no explanation; this ain’t easy for you? Ya, it’s no walk in the park for me either. Throughout the years, I never spoke; because I never new how too. Reliving those painful days, the constant flash backs. The nightmares that surfaced every so often, made it challenging to find sleep. Growing paranoid and frightened, of black shadows and images in the night. The voices that spoke, became magnified!

Are these opinions, or is this my way of explaining the process to you all! There is no resentment or tediousness, being a young an vulnerable child, transformed into a teenager. Thy body was abused and no longer foreseen as a temple! Battered and beaten, my voice became silenced. It became easier to hide the damage that was done. Are you saying you’d have believed a word I’d had said? Would you have treated me any differently? The words to form in person is difficult, however, writing has become my way out. A way out of the darkness! A way at finding peace!

Oh dear, child. Please don’t cry, it’ll be alright. Those countless times your voice was silenced! Your subtle quietness never worried a soul, even with the constant battle you endured. There was no peace, just a broken little girl. Her eyes as bright as emerald green with a tinge of blue like the sea. Her heart carries a burden of many secrets, wondering lost in a wave of emotions.

Sometimes words don’t have an impact; repetition doesn’t make a difference! Communication can becomes misinterpreted. The truth uncovers isolation and abandonment shows the light of a dark childhood.

If a picture was painted; you’d never believe the sight you’d see…… My writing has became my voice, in processing these undesirable memories. I so desperately need to erase!

Possibly, one day I can physically come forward and verbally tell my story. Until then the ashes lay safely within me, awaiting for the day when the Phoenix rises, striving for peace and resilience. However, a Phoenix first must burn; In order to rise from its own ashes!

The World is At War

Does it ever feel like the world has become a different place? Do you feel the change happening around you; are you becoming more concerned as the years press on? Or have you simply placed blinders over your eyes! Just blindly hoping that all the issues arising will all go away? Can you feel the universe shifting, the world in chaos, and mankind viscously turning on each other.

The fires taking away the homes of millions of wildlife and vegetation; Fires burning homes and whipping out mass areas (The Amazon). Earthquakes, hurricanes (Dorian), tornadoes and even volcanos wrecking havoc across the world.

Diseases surfacing that have been laid to wrest hundreds of years ago. Now coming back to life 10X stronger and deadly. Vaccinations are becoming a thing of the past, people are creating fear and panic. It’s not only being created in the human world; however, even the animal kingdom/nature is being killed off. By diseases that have been managed for several year, but now culling everything in its path. Beautiful places we all love to travel and see are being demolished as we speak.

I don’t want to be just another person in a world full of hate and crime! Where did all of our Freedom go? Can you see what the world has in store for us, the billons of people on earth have been made into pawns! The world leaders are no longer fighting for a country and its people. Hell No! They are fighting for WAR, and GREED. We are no longer united as one. Our world is dying and the government adds on carbon tax and terrif’s to make it harder for anyone to live. Companies big and small are becoming obsolete. Small businesses can hardly get by, employees don’t want to work for minimum wage. The world has given us the warning signs for years, and human kind has ruined such a graceful place.

The War has begun and it’s hitting us all by storm. Soon, we as humans will be whipped out just like the dinosaurs a billion years ago! Unfortunately, it’s too late for us to heal what damage has already been caused….

The world will die and it will self destruct like a dying star in the sky; it will fall, it will crumble, and we will all perish!

~Don’t Let Those Bullies, Destroy your Wild Spirit~

To my dearest StarLight,

You are a breathe of fresh air, your glowing personality, and your beautiful smile is contagious. You sing a song as graceful, as a hummingbird. Your embracing outlook on life is, inspiring to me. Your wild and fierce soul is a Gift. When I first met you, you were a gorgeous 🐛🐛🐛🐛!
These past months you’ve grown as an individual, and you broke free. Into a majestic Luna Moth…. -aka-Fairy princess lol
Face your inhibitions as this is a time of abundance and success, and you are greatly protected in all endeavours. Luna moths also signify rebirth and new beginnings as they represent a continuing quest for truth and knowledge, gift of intuition, and heightened awareness.

Don’t let those bullies get to you, because you are worth everything that you are becoming. Always know I believe in you girl and will always be here for you. Xoxo

If a child or adult is being bullied by others. Do your absolute best to pick those individuals up, make there day by just smiling back at them! Express your concern and tell them they matter. Bullies are jealous and miserable, because they were brought up in a different manor.

In recent years bullying has increased by 90% and even though they’re processes set in place within a community in regards to correcting these behaviours. However, you do not see anything being enforced!

How many more suicides or fun shootings to people need to witness; or become subject too. Before anyone starts actually committing to correcting the behaviours In bullies. There has been to many casualties and losses. Help these children before it is too late! Make a difference in your community, and in the word.

One day it could be you or your child’s life!

~Abuse~

It was my 17th birthday, and I went out with friends and my boyfriend at the time.

We had gone to a friend’s place for drinks. I don’t remember all of what happened at the beginning. However, near the end is a whole other story! From what I remember it was a good time up until we got back to our place. Friend and I were extremely drunk, like almost black out. We laid on the bed and talked about how much we loved each other and all that good stuff.

Here is the kicker that was all I remembered because I’m certain I had passed out…… because when I came out of it. What was happening to me wasn’t fun and not something anyone would want forced on them in that state. No consent was given! My than boyfriend had me pinned down the bed while he was having sex with me. I screamed out my friend’s name to help me, but he said she was gone. I was so disoriented that I was talking nonsense. He kept telling me to be quiet. I was crying at this point. As it wasn’t enjoyable for me at all. When you come out of a black out having sexual intercourse it messes with you.

I must had blacked out again because I than realized we had switched positions. I was now on top of him and he was moving my hips. I had mumbled my words together, but he obviously took it the wrong way. Because He launched me off him and threw me into the entertainment centre in the bedroom. Dazed and confused I was stunned not knowing what happened, just that I was naked on the floor and hurting. I’m sure words were said, however, that part is foggy. I remember checking my cell phone, and a friend had texted me. I was going to replay. When my than boyfriend went irate and started accusing me of cheating on him. He called me names like I was a whore, a fat cow, and worthless piece of shit! He took my phone and broke it in half. Of course, he was drunk too, but he was a nasty drunk. Clearly!

I remember sitting at the door crying as he yelled at me. He threw the phone at me and it hit my ankle, it stung. I remember getting dressed and trying to leave the apartment, I wanted to be alone and away from him. We lived by a jail and the parking lot was empty, I remember him screaming at me not to come back. However, what took me by surprise was when he picked me up and the threw me down on the ground onto smashed glass. I remember laying there crying and just lost in what was happening. Everything had gone great that night and then it turned into a nightmare. The wrest of what happened that night is still a mystery. As I am unable to figure out what happened after all that chaos.

Although, I do remember the next morning. Waking up in a lot of pain; I had bruising everywhere on my body. I could hardly put pressure on my ankle. It was severely swollen and bruised; I took a shower to try and feel better. That morning it all came rushing back, I broke down into tears as I tried to remember what triggered him. He woke up and seen what he had done, his famous last words. I’m so so sorry, I will never do that to you again. I love you. This is my final goodbye to these tortures’ memories. Please, let me live the wrest of my life in peace. I don’t want to feel the pain and hurt no longer!

I don’t want to remember you; I want to erase all the time with you. All the hurt, I deal with everyday, I just need it to go away! We were young and both had our own issues; we were toxic for each other. We stayed together because it was all we knew how to do. I never wanted to let you down, I tried to be that girl you wanted. Instead, you broke me down… because I wasn’t who you needed… you were my greatest mistake and my biggest lesson… but Ill never regret you being a part of my past. My mind is a home I’m trapped in; and I’m ready to erase you from everything! I regret the fact that I’ve let myself struggle, while trying to find who I am. I lie to myself and say I do the best that I can, but I can’t let you keep me hostage any longer! I Shrug it off like it isn’t nothing, so hears my final goodbye!

“You’ll always be apart of me. The memories, the dreams and the scars. Will always be apart of who I am. I don’t want to lose myself, but I need someone I can trust. I must let you go and put you in my past. You were never good for me; we didn’t mix like PB & J…. I wish I could forget all those nights, I cried myself to sleep. I got you on my mind, sometimes I must hold back from saying… I still miss you!” We had some good times together; but the bad memories are the only flash backs that haunt me. All the cruel things he did; or put me through, I want to erase all the memories. Nothing, I’d enjoy more is to close my eyes and not have to see your face. I don’t want to keep reliving those moments repeatedly!

~Acceptance & Hardships~ Your A Warrior

I’m falling back down, the memoires that were suffocating me are coming back full force. It’s just like last time. I feel stuck, like I’m being held hostage. I’ve alienated everyone, no friends no family, who do I have to run too. What’s happening to me, it’s like a never-ending cycle. I want my life back; I want the freedom to run if I can’t breathe anymore. I can’t keep acting like nothing is wrong. Everything that use to be stable is no longer, it is all wrong. I have always known what I wanted out of life. I tried so hard to get there but always fell flat on my face. As, I keep changing my world is becoming more like a trap. How did I let myself get stuck here in this position? I blame only myself. I let my mental health get the best of me and run me down into the ground. Now I’m crawling, crawling from 6 feet under.

            Trying to scramble back to the top and live a stable life again. No more being trapped or held back. I want my independence back! Stop, suffocating me. Stop telling me I can’t do it! I’ve only got one life and I’ve already wasted so much of it. I know where my destination is, now I must get myself there. I don’t want to wake up one day and be old trying to figure out where time has gone. All I ever wanted out of life was to be someone’s wife and a child’s mother to live a full life with no complications or regrets.

I have begun to come to terms with my past. Now I’m having troubles coming to terms with my present. At this point I don’t know what’s in store for me or my future. My dreams and goals are always shut down. No matter the talent or passion I possess. I’m always knocked down a few pegs. As I sit here writing down my thoughts, the emotions are building up inside my chest. Choking them down, the pain and tears keep trying to surface. The drug of my choice is inflicting unnecessary pain, the emotional hurt is crippling inside.

 It needs a way out the bad must flow out of my veins and onto my skin. I can’t deal I’m trying so hard to move forward, and better myself. However, it feels like everywhere I turn there is a new obstacle trying to beat me down. No longer wanting to rely on anyone but it’s the only way until I can get on my feet. I can’t breathe, it is becoming all too real. Will I be stuck here, with no career change? While my dream of publishing my writing, comes to a grim stand still!

How do I move forward when it seems those close to me are against everything I do? For the ones who used to be close to me I have seem to lose along the way. While trying to determine who I was meant to be. Now the only person I wish to talk to, is no longer there! Sadly, I am too late, and that person is slowly removing themselves from my life. After 12 years of having them there for me and being able to confide in them every day. It seems that they are drifting further apart from me; and it scares me because without them my heart has begun to feel emptier. I never realized it before, I figured I’d always have that friendship. To not have to worry about them fading away. Its terrifying knowing the person you thought would always be there, is no longer here! Maybe, it is for the best? Let the past be in the past.

 Everyone must move forward, and sometimes people grow apart. You can either let it drive you crazy, trying to hold onto that person, or you can accept it and move on yourself. People come into your life at the most difficult times to help you through life events, when you are no longer struggling in that manor. They tend to drift apart from you. It’s time to say thank you for everything, but its time I let you go, and learn to cherish all the good times. Because that is all I need in order to keep moving towards the silver lining!

Everything has changed drastically in the past three months and I’m not sure I can adjust or process it all. It has all become so much clearer like my brain can think for itself. Flash backs over taking my dreams and becoming nightmares. I know the only reason I am beginning to feel more this way is because of the medication. The medicine has altered something in my brain to make everything work like a well-oiled machine. However, it all seems so unreal. I am waiting for the ball to drop, and sadly it has but not in the way I imagined it too.

The world is changing, and it is happening so quickly, the faster things change I’m unable to accept or process it all. I’m tired of being held down, tired of struggling, tired of climbing up this mountain, and tired of being let down! I live everyday to the fullest always trying to help others, I do my best to not complain because I know everyone in this world are struggling daily. However, how do you know when to ask for help yourself? How do you get your family to understand this was not a decision, it is a diagnosis? My choice was to seek help and get better.

Where are they now? Do they think I no longer need their guidance or support? I’m the child I shouldn’t have to seek out their guidance or attention. To feel like a burden and have the feeling of unworthiness’ has become a sadness. I’ve lost so much of myself already which was toxic, why is it they don’t want to hear that I have become someone different. I am no longer that person who is angry and emotionally unstable. I don’t want to hide away anymore. Although, I Whom, no longer choose to be involved in the healing process, I have worked so hard to achieve.

I must accept these changes and keeping thinking about what’s important. At the end of the day my well being is what matters, and those already in my circle are the ones who I appreciate for having faith in me. During this life changing experience.

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