I’m falling back down, the memoires that were suffocating
me are coming back full force. It’s just like last time. I feel stuck, like I’m
being held hostage. I’ve alienated everyone, no friends no family, who do I have
to run too. What’s happening to me, it’s like a never-ending cycle. I want my
life back; I want the freedom to run if I can’t breathe anymore. I can’t keep
acting like nothing is wrong. Everything that use to be stable is no longer, it
is all wrong. I have always known what I wanted out of life. I tried so hard to
get there but always fell flat on my face. As, I keep changing my world is
becoming more like a trap. How did I let myself get stuck here in this position?
I blame only myself. I let my mental health get the best of me and run me down
into the ground. Now I’m crawling, crawling from 6 feet under.
to scramble back to the top and live a stable life again. No more being trapped
or held back. I want my independence back! Stop, suffocating me. Stop telling
me I can’t do it! I’ve only got one life and I’ve already wasted so much of it.
I know where my destination is, now I must get myself there. I don’t want to
wake up one day and be old trying to figure out where time has gone. All I ever
wanted out of life was to be someone’s wife and a child’s mother to live a full
life with no complications or regrets.
I have begun to come to terms with my past. Now I’m having
troubles coming to terms with my present. At this point I don’t know what’s in
store for me or my future. My dreams and goals are always shut down. No matter
the talent or passion I possess. I’m always knocked down a few pegs. As I sit here
writing down my thoughts, the emotions are building up inside my chest. Choking
them down, the pain and tears keep trying to surface. The drug of my choice is
inflicting unnecessary pain, the emotional hurt is crippling inside.
It needs a way
out the bad must flow out of my veins and onto my skin. I can’t deal I’m trying
so hard to move forward, and better myself. However, it feels like everywhere I
turn there is a new obstacle trying to beat me down. No longer wanting to rely
on anyone but it’s the only way until I can get on my feet. I can’t breathe, it
is becoming all too real. Will I be stuck here, with no career change? While my
dream of publishing my writing, comes to a grim stand still!
How do I move forward when it seems those close to me
are against everything I do? For the ones who used to be close to me I have
seem to lose along the way. While trying to determine who I was meant to be. Now
the only person I wish to talk to, is no longer there! Sadly, I am too late,
and that person is slowly removing themselves from my life. After 12 years of
having them there for me and being able to confide in them every day. It seems
that they are drifting further apart from me; and it scares me because without
them my heart has begun to feel emptier. I never realized it before, I figured I’d
always have that friendship. To not have to worry about them fading away. Its terrifying
knowing the person you thought would always be there, is no longer here! Maybe,
it is for the best? Let the past be in the past.
move forward, and sometimes people grow apart. You can either let it drive you
crazy, trying to hold onto that person, or you can accept it and move on
yourself. People come into your life at the most difficult times to help you
through life events, when you are no longer struggling in that manor. They tend
to drift apart from you. It’s time to say thank you for everything, but its
time I let you go, and learn to cherish all the good times. Because that is all
I need in order to keep moving towards the silver lining!
Everything has changed drastically in the past three
months and I’m not sure I can adjust or process it all. It has all become so much
clearer like my brain can think for itself. Flash backs over taking my dreams
and becoming nightmares. I know the only reason I am beginning to feel more
this way is because of the medication. The medicine has altered something in my
brain to make everything work like a well-oiled machine. However, it all seems
so unreal. I am waiting for the ball to drop, and sadly it has but not in the
way I imagined it too.
The world is changing, and it is happening so quickly,
the faster things change I’m unable to accept or process it all. I’m tired of being
held down, tired of struggling, tired of climbing up this mountain, and tired
of being let down! I live everyday to the fullest always trying to help others,
I do my best to not complain because I know everyone in this world are struggling
daily. However, how do you know when to ask for help yourself? How do you get
your family to understand this was not a decision, it is a diagnosis? My choice
was to seek help and get better.
Where are they now? Do they think I no longer need their
guidance or support? I’m the child I shouldn’t have to seek out their guidance
or attention. To feel like a burden and have the feeling of unworthiness’ has
become a sadness. I’ve lost so much of myself already which was toxic, why is
it they don’t want to hear that I have become someone different. I am no longer
that person who is angry and emotionally unstable. I don’t want to hide away
anymore. Although, I Whom, no longer choose to be involved in the healing
process, I have worked so hard to achieve.
I must accept these changes and keeping thinking about
what’s important. At the end of the day my well being is what matters, and
those already in my circle are the ones who I appreciate for having faith in me.
During this life changing experience.