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~The Loss of Identity~

Their is a story of a little girl who wanted nothing more than a loving family. Determined for her parents to love her unconditionally; and to always pick her up when she fell. To wipe away the tears, while saying “everything will be okay.” That little girl strived everyday to make what she new and feel bearable; because sadly. What that little girl dreamed of; never happened.

That little girl grew up, and saw her world fall apart as she got older. Struggling to function in a world she saw as black and white.

Only ever wanting to be appreciated by her mother; and Loved unconditionally by her father. To learn that her worth was enough for them, to be the daughter they could be proud of. Although, that was what she wanted so badly in her story.

The chain wrapped around her ankle pulling her back to reality. For when she woke, the anchor was still there. Her heart sank, and shattered. Not understanding what she did wrong, and began questioning the voices “why can’t they tell me they’re proud of who I’ve become!”

The little girl prayed every night; hoping the big man in the sky would answer her prayers. To be able to have the stability, and understanding from her beloved parents. The little girl did all she could to try and make them notice that she was lacking affection 😔 This in no way was being selfish or attention seeking. More like a cry for help, but never having the voice to actually do anything about it. She did what she new how to do! She pushed all the hurt and loss deep down, blocking everything out!

Looking to the sky for answers, God never gave her a sign! Moving forward in this world became unbearable, not knowing how to be properly treated by others. Always being a people pleaser because any amount of affection from others was enough for her to feel something. Instead of the numbing pain in her heart! Whether good or bad she took it, however; most of the experiences turned out to be detrimental.

This bright eyed girl, soon lost that sparkle, and became dark. The physical, emotional abuse became a normal part of life. As that’s all she new, but thats not all she endured. Being verbally and sexually abused was mentally exhausting. Always asking “is this what love and affection is suppose to feel like?”~ With only knowing the abuse she received growing up. It became natural to submit to the aggression of abuse she received in the world!

However, when something good approached her. She shy’d away from it, as if it was a foreign Object. Which made things difficult with finding an exceptional and satisfying resume. In seeking out a relationship filled with love! However; it took her years to finally see what the world had in store for her.

The little girl still dreams a dream where one day she will wake up from this nightmare: to have the family of her own that she so, very much desires!

To have her mother and father provide the love she never received growing up! The loss is so great; the numbness has lasted an eternity and her identity is still being questionable……

The sad part is they will never know or understand. That little girl is all but a memory!

Over Thinking & Diagnosis’s

I hate being the person who constantly thinks and examines every little detail of a conversation. The tone of voice, body language, and facial expression all have an impact; and not necessarily a good one! The brain is wired to interpret the message being perceived by the other person. The receptors and neurones relay the messages to different parts of the brain; which helps in determining how to feel or respond to that individual.

This is a disaster waiting to happen when the person perceiving the message is an over thinker. Not only does that have an impact on them, but it can also be detrimental if they have other underlying diagnoses. Thus meaning it can cause many issues in everyday life. With co-workers, friends; family, and relationships.

When someone is talking to me, it’s now instinct that I take every word they say; and strategically dissect every ounce of it! Even after the conversation I continue to think about what was discussed. Whether it be something serious or something as simple as saying “I’m not able to hang out tonight, I came down with the flu!” I would overthink it and believe that maybe they don’t want to hang out; or I did something wrong, their lying to me. You could look at me the wrong way; and I would snap, the little switch in my brain could just flip. That would be it. Overthinking, and having voices instigate a battle… that isn’t needed.

It can be exhausting, the brain never shuts off; and with the underlying diagnosis of OCD, Anxiety; Mood, and adjustment Disorders. Overthinking becomes heightened into overdrive. It can be very overwhelming!

I keep moving forward and feel like time is just running past me! As if I’m unable to stop, and enjoy the time I have here on earth! To be over analyzing every little detail of my life; and working towards coping with recent events. I’m at a stand still….. What happens next? What are the next steps to take? Is this year meant for healing? Will 2020; be the year I come back stronger than before…..?

So, many questions….Yet, very little answers…. I will just have to keep moving forward, and remember to be positive!

~It Just Clicked~

“One day it just clicks. You realize what’s important and what isn’t. You learn to care less about what other people think of you and more about what you think of yourself. You realize how far you’ve come and you remember when you thought things were such a mess that they’d never recover. And then you smile. You smile because you are truly proud of yourself and the person you’ve fought to become.” #movingforwardfromthenegativity #chasingdreams

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